And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors

These are not real parents

Single people and young couples - Do you get too much sleep? Do you have too much free time? Wish more of your personal possessions would be damaged or destroyed? Is your stress level too low? Want to get in a fight over socks?

Perhaps this has happened to you: You’re lying in the hammock, having just completed the New York Times crossword and a 3-hour nap, and you think to yourself “Ah me, my days are being squandered on fruitless leisure.”

Ask your doctor about… Parenting!

Parenting is the revolutionary new treatment for excessive relaxation. Our patented new formula gets under your skin, makes your stress hormones rage, and leaves you feeling more frazzled, shot and exhausted.

In our clinical tests, parenting was proven more effective at rest reduction than a placebo (flower sacks with faces drawn on to look like children). Patients saw more hair loss, more new wrinkles, and watched their bodies go to pot faster than anything on the market.

Pharmacists recommend parenting 3-to-1 over alternative rest-reduction treatments such as: get a job, poke yourself in the eye, douse yourself with cold water, go on a really long run.

Ask your doctor if you are crazy enough for parenting. Don’t take up parenting if you take nitrates for chest pain: You could suffer a sudden loss of your mental faculties, resulting in the desire to have more children. Don’t take parenting if you take codeine, ibuprofen, nicotine, chardonnay, or enjoy eating at restaurants fancier than McDonald’s. Patients over 35 should really ask themselves if they want to be paying college tuition into their 60’s. Patients with mothers, sisters, or who interact with total strangers should be prepared for endless unsolicited advice.

Don’t wait – ask your doctor to prescribe Parenting today!

Side effects include: blurred vision, headaches, lots and lots of dishes, nausea, stuffy head, fever, achiness, sloppiness, excessive drooling, unusually high desire to visit a national park, more headaches, loss of romantic desire, Barney songs stuck in your head, chest pains, anxiety, self-doubt, blaming your partner for all your problems, eating too many chicken nuggets, bloodshot eyes, more laundry than you can imagine, late night wakeups where you can’t fall asleep, grouchiness, sudden bouts of hysterical laughing, singing “dem bones, dem bones, dem crazy bones,” and dry mouth which can only be cured by gin martinis.

The claims in this advertisement have not been evaluated by the FDA. Take up parenting at your own risk.