A translator

"I don't understand it, Bones. The translators
aren't working with these life forms!"

Over the course of my parenting journey, one thing I’ve learned is that young children and adults simply do not speak the same language. It sounds the same – it uses many of the same words, and many of the same phrases. But there are many different meanings and contexts depending on who is speaking. It’s sort of like how the English say “pram” and “lorry” when they mean “buggy” and “truck,” only a lot more frustrating and a lot less Monty-Python-like.

So, to help the uninitiated parent navigate this strange, alternative land of quasi-English, I’ve put together the following translation guide. Here are some examples:

Child says: I want to help (make a cake, clean the car, water the plants).

Translation: I want to dump the contents of that container everywhere, and help make your cake-baking process slower, messier and more work than you had ever planned on. As a bonus, once dirty, I’ll probably go running around the house, spreading the dirtiness on your walls and carpet. By the way, I’m holding you hostage at this point. If you refuse me the opportunity to dump milk on this counter, I promise you that I am prepared to throw the tantrum of a lifetime. Have you heard of a no-win situation? WELCOME TO NO-WIN TOWN, BUDDY!
 
Child says: I want (pasta, chicken, pancakes) for dinner.

Translation: There is some possibility that, if you go to the effort of making the dish I have requested, I will eat it. I reserve the right to complain about the food, ignore it, or even demand something else once it actually becomes time to eat it. I’m saying I want it now, not that I will necessarily want it in the future. Listen, Dad, there really are no guarantees in life. It’s really time you learned that important lesson.

Child says: Yes, I promise I will be good.

Translation: I will say absolutely anything to get that reward you are dangling in front of me. Will I follow through with my end of the bargain? Eh, we’ll see how that goes once the temptation to misbehave is back in sight. What did I tell you before about guarantees? Caveat Emptor, Dad.

In fairness, communication is a two-way street, and certain things you think you’ve communicated do not come through the way you think they do, so we need a reverse-translator. Here are some examples:

You say: Don’t tell your sister (you got a treat, you went to this place).¹

They hear: The moment you are in your sister’s presence, taunt her mercilessly about having gotten something she didn’t. Send any issues my way! I’d be delighted to clean up the inevitable mess this is going to cause in your relationship.

You say: Not now/not today.

They hear: Badger me endlessly about this. It will annoy and possibly enrage me, and may result in punishment for you. It will almost certainly ruin a perfectly good car trip. But hey, there’s an outside chance I might capitulate. Or at least cut a deal. This negotiating tactic is great training to make you a Tea-Party Congressperson someday.

You say: Be nice to your brother.

They hear: Hurl insults at your brother. Mock and scorn him. Physically abuse him and scream at him. Yes, I agree it really is important that you play with that one toy, right now – even though you’ve had no interest in it for weeks, and in fact had no interest in it today until the moment he picked it up.

With these simple translations, you’ll be well equipped to understand your children. Not that better understanding will do you much good – you’ll still be at their mercy. You’ll just understand what you are getting yourself into better.

Maybe next time, I’ll create a translator for communicating with your husband. (Hint: It involves lots of grunting).

 

¹Thanks to Kate Rose for reminding me of this one.