Captain America and Iron Man Share Wardrobe Tips

"Pssst... Is your name Pee-Pee Face?"

I’ve written before how Cody has many fewer activities than Chiaradoes. For many reasons, Cody has had to teach himself to play by himself. Those reasons are 1) Cody is too young to be in as many activities that draw adult attention; 2) As older and therefore a better communicator, Chiara is better able to interact with adults and therefore draw their attention; 3) As a second child we’re just way more worn out – it’s not pretty, but it is true.

Thus, Cody spends a lot of time playing with toys by himself. Superhero action figures are a favorite. He  will literally lie on the floor for hours acting out conversations between these characters.

Let me state publically that the writers at Marvel and Warner Brothers are at no risk of losing their jobs to Cody’s story lines. Cody’s action figures mainly discuss one another’s physical appearance and names. Here’s what the next movie would be like as written by Cody Kimmel:

 

THE AVENGERS 3: Is Your Name Pee-Pee Face?

The scene opens to The Avenger’s secret lair. Captain America works feverishly on the mega-computer. Something is awry. The huge screen flickers – static lines clear and the face of The General appears.

General: Captain America, we have an urgent mission for the Avengers. The Joker’s evil forces have been unleashed on the city!

Captain America (SHOUTING): DO YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE?

General: Uh,yes. Yes I do have a moustache.

Captain America: ARE YOU WEARING PURPLE?

General: No, I’m wearing green… with gold medals.

The control room’s sliding steel doors open with a whisk. Captain America turns to see Iron Man enter the room.

Iron Man: I’M HERE, YOU CATOOHEY¹!

Captain America: IS YOUR NAME PEE-PEE HEAD?

Iron Man: I’M NOT PEE-PEE HEAD YOU, YOU TARKEYBOON¹!

Captain America: ARE YOU YELLOW HORSE FACE?

Iron Man: I’M IRON MAN!

Captain America: OH IRON MAN! HELLO IRON MAN!

Captain America and Iron Man slam their heads and bodies together repeatedly (this is Cody’s traditional greeting for all his Action Figures – their relationships are apparently built on mutual physical brutality).

General: Uh, hey, fellahs? We have a mission here. The Joker is out there and the city needs your help!

Captain America: DO YOU WEAR PANTS?

The General and the Avengers continue to discuss wardrobe and excrement-based nomenclature for several more minutes. Eventually they decide to go face The Joker, who is driving in his Joker Tank.

Iron Man: There he is!

No need for prolonged discussion or showdown scene here. The Avengers bash The Joker and his tank with their feet until parts are scattered everywhere. The entire climactic battle scene takes about four seconds.

After thoroughly trouncing The Joker, the discussion of clothing selection continues. The Joker and The Avengers quickly forget they were ever enemies…

Captain America (to The Joker): ARE YOU WEARING PURPLE?

The End

 

Every so often I ask Cody what his action figures are up to. Chiara has her babies, and if asked, will readily let you know that the baby is hungry, tired, going shopping, or whatever. Cody will say “they’re just toys, Dad” with a tone of “are you an idiot?” It’s a “duh” moment; Cody has reduced me to a human dodo… or maybe a catoohey yellow horse face purple pants.

 

¹Cody has a penchant for creating names to call people. Not knowing all the right and proper insults, he tends to just make them up. Many times while trying to get him to brush his teeth have I been called a Gahkie or a Scooch.