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These are not real parents

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Pharmacists recommend parenting 3-to-1 over alternative rest-reduction treatments such as: get a job, poke yourself in the eye, douse yourself with cold water, go on a really long run.

Ask your doctor if you are crazy enough for parenting. Don’t take up parenting if you take nitrates for chest pain: You could suffer a sudden loss of your mental faculties, resulting in the desire to have more children. Don’t take parenting if you take codeine, ibuprofen, nicotine, chardonnay, or enjoy eating at restaurants fancier than McDonald’s. Patients over 35 should really ask themselves if they want to be paying college tuition into their 60’s. Patients with mothers, sisters, or who interact with total strangers should be prepared for endless unsolicited advice.

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The claims in this advertisement have not been evaluated by the FDA. Take up parenting at your own risk.

Ah, the Power of Stickers



The Holy Grail of Child Discipline:
Fruit Loops

I’ve discussed household discipline, or the lack thereof, in maybe my favorite post ever. Back then, our primary disciplinary method was time-outs. I’m going to be frank, they simply weren’t working. No matter how long or how short, on the stairs or in the room, the threat of time out simply wasn’t enough to motivate away from bad behavior.

So we changed strategies. Our next method was the withholding of privileges. First, the kids lost their wretched “Scooby-Doo: First Frights” video game for a week. This was as much a reward for Andrea and me as it was a punishment for them¹. Next came the “Robots” movie, which they had watched portions of a record 28 consecutive days in a row. Candy and cookies went out the door. So did the I-Pad and computer.

But here’s the problem – none of this worked. Pretty soon we were withholding basic human rights. Since the experts all say consistency and follow-through are the thing, we just had to keep after it. If we said, “stop hitting or I’ll cut off my left pinky,” and there’s another hit, the pinky’s got to go. And so it went with privileges: threaten to take away, bad behavior continues, privileges revoked. We even had a privileges chart that showed WHO had lost WHAT until WHEN, showing that Chiara could earn back the Scooby Doo game in time for graduation from college.

Things kept escalating, but when Cody lost food and water for a week we knew it was time for a change. And so we changed our strategy once again. Our new philosophy is “you attract more flies with Fruit Loops than vinegar.”

Thus began the sticker chart. I cannot believe the power of stickers. Our children will go from acting like animals to little angels with the promise of a sticker on a chart. Mind you, these are the same stickers they could reach into the drawer and reward themselves with any time they felt moved to do so. It’s not beyond Chiara’s reach to draw up a grid on a piece of paper and sticker it to her heart’s delight. But somehow, our chart, and the reward of stickers gets the job done. Plus, there is one additional prize at the end of the rainbow. If the children earn enough stickers over the course of the week they can have the sugar cereal of their choice for breakfast one day.

The children are small, and their minds work differently than mine. This is imminently clear. I would have thought the immediate threat of banishment to your room would curtail bad behavior, but it never seemed to. Little did I know that the distant promise of Fruit Loops in the future could get little ones in line. This parenting gig is a learning experience for sure, and many of those lessons are learned through trial and error. I just wish prior errors hadn’t cost me my pinky.

I do see one risk on the horizon. Chiara has shown some signs of taking a page out of the Cleveland Brown’s book: tanking. She’s figured out that you can’t lose the same sticker twice, and once the week has been blown, you might as well go for broke. What she hasn’t figured out is that losing all her stickers won’t get her Johnny Manziel. It will just lose you a bunch of bowls of Fruit Loops.

 

¹I can hardly begin to describe how bad this video game is. One would think, as we did, that something branded Scooby Doo would be wholesome, harmless, goofy fun. Well this game is full of violence and frustration. First, the characters physically fight the abundant monsters. Scooby literally hits monsters with sausage links; Velma throws books at them. Second, characters must jump from platform to wobbly platform – this is tough sometimes even for me with my video game skills, much less my 3-year-old. And here’s the absolute worst part – despite the anger, frustration and tears, my kids want to play this god-forsaken game all the time. It is something they ask to do almost every day.

Captain America and Iron Man Share Wardrobe Tips

"Pssst... Is your name Pee-Pee Face?"

I’ve written before how Cody has many fewer activities than Chiaradoes. For many reasons, Cody has had to teach himself to play by himself. Those reasons are 1) Cody is too young to be in as many activities that draw adult attention; 2) As older and therefore a better communicator, Chiara is better able to interact with adults and therefore draw their attention; 3) As a second child we’re just way more worn out – it’s not pretty, but it is true.

Thus, Cody spends a lot of time playing with toys by himself. Superhero action figures are a favorite. He  will literally lie on the floor for hours acting out conversations between these characters.

Let me state publically that the writers at Marvel and Warner Brothers are at no risk of losing their jobs to Cody’s story lines. Cody’s action figures mainly discuss one another’s physical appearance and names. Here’s what the next movie would be like as written by Cody Kimmel:

 

THE AVENGERS 3: Is Your Name Pee-Pee Face?

The scene opens to The Avenger’s secret lair. Captain America works feverishly on the mega-computer. Something is awry. The huge screen flickers – static lines clear and the face of The General appears.

General: Captain America, we have an urgent mission for the Avengers. The Joker’s evil forces have been unleashed on the city!

Captain America (SHOUTING): DO YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE?

General: Uh,yes. Yes I do have a moustache.

Captain America: ARE YOU WEARING PURPLE?

General: No, I’m wearing green… with gold medals.

The control room’s sliding steel doors open with a whisk. Captain America turns to see Iron Man enter the room.

Iron Man: I’M HERE, YOU CATOOHEY¹!

Captain America: IS YOUR NAME PEE-PEE HEAD?

Iron Man: I’M NOT PEE-PEE HEAD YOU, YOU TARKEYBOON¹!

Captain America: ARE YOU YELLOW HORSE FACE?

Iron Man: I’M IRON MAN!

Captain America: OH IRON MAN! HELLO IRON MAN!

Captain America and Iron Man slam their heads and bodies together repeatedly (this is Cody’s traditional greeting for all his Action Figures – their relationships are apparently built on mutual physical brutality).

General: Uh, hey, fellahs? We have a mission here. The Joker is out there and the city needs your help!

Captain America: DO YOU WEAR PANTS?

The General and the Avengers continue to discuss wardrobe and excrement-based nomenclature for several more minutes. Eventually they decide to go face The Joker, who is driving in his Joker Tank.

Iron Man: There he is!

No need for prolonged discussion or showdown scene here. The Avengers bash The Joker and his tank with their feet until parts are scattered everywhere. The entire climactic battle scene takes about four seconds.

After thoroughly trouncing The Joker, the discussion of clothing selection continues. The Joker and The Avengers quickly forget they were ever enemies…

Captain America (to The Joker): ARE YOU WEARING PURPLE?

The End

 

Every so often I ask Cody what his action figures are up to. Chiara has her babies, and if asked, will readily let you know that the baby is hungry, tired, going shopping, or whatever. Cody will say “they’re just toys, Dad” with a tone of “are you an idiot?” It’s a “duh” moment; Cody has reduced me to a human dodo… or maybe a catoohey yellow horse face purple pants.

 

¹Cody has a penchant for creating names to call people. Not knowing all the right and proper insults, he tends to just make them up. Many times while trying to get him to brush his teeth have I been called a Gahkie or a Scooch.

A translator

"I don't understand it, Bones. The translators
aren't working with these life forms!"

Over the course of my parenting journey, one thing I’ve learned is that young children and adults simply do not speak the same language. It sounds the same – it uses many of the same words, and many of the same phrases. But there are many different meanings and contexts depending on who is speaking. It’s sort of like how the English say “pram” and “lorry” when they mean “buggy” and “truck,” only a lot more frustrating and a lot less Monty-Python-like.

So, to help the uninitiated parent navigate this strange, alternative land of quasi-English, I’ve put together the following translation guide. Here are some examples:

Child says: I want to help (make a cake, clean the car, water the plants).

Translation: I want to dump the contents of that container everywhere, and help make your cake-baking process slower, messier and more work than you had ever planned on. As a bonus, once dirty, I’ll probably go running around the house, spreading the dirtiness on your walls and carpet. By the way, I’m holding you hostage at this point. If you refuse me the opportunity to dump milk on this counter, I promise you that I am prepared to throw the tantrum of a lifetime. Have you heard of a no-win situation? WELCOME TO NO-WIN TOWN, BUDDY!
 
Child says: I want (pasta, chicken, pancakes) for dinner.

Translation: There is some possibility that, if you go to the effort of making the dish I have requested, I will eat it. I reserve the right to complain about the food, ignore it, or even demand something else once it actually becomes time to eat it. I’m saying I want it now, not that I will necessarily want it in the future. Listen, Dad, there really are no guarantees in life. It’s really time you learned that important lesson.

Child says: Yes, I promise I will be good.

Translation: I will say absolutely anything to get that reward you are dangling in front of me. Will I follow through with my end of the bargain? Eh, we’ll see how that goes once the temptation to misbehave is back in sight. What did I tell you before about guarantees? Caveat Emptor, Dad.

In fairness, communication is a two-way street, and certain things you think you’ve communicated do not come through the way you think they do, so we need a reverse-translator. Here are some examples:

You say: Don’t tell your sister (you got a treat, you went to this place).¹

They hear: The moment you are in your sister’s presence, taunt her mercilessly about having gotten something she didn’t. Send any issues my way! I’d be delighted to clean up the inevitable mess this is going to cause in your relationship.

You say: Not now/not today.

They hear: Badger me endlessly about this. It will annoy and possibly enrage me, and may result in punishment for you. It will almost certainly ruin a perfectly good car trip. But hey, there’s an outside chance I might capitulate. Or at least cut a deal. This negotiating tactic is great training to make you a Tea-Party Congressperson someday.

You say: Be nice to your brother.

They hear: Hurl insults at your brother. Mock and scorn him. Physically abuse him and scream at him. Yes, I agree it really is important that you play with that one toy, right now – even though you’ve had no interest in it for weeks, and in fact had no interest in it today until the moment he picked it up.

With these simple translations, you’ll be well equipped to understand your children. Not that better understanding will do you much good – you’ll still be at their mercy. You’ll just understand what you are getting yourself into better.

Maybe next time, I’ll create a translator for communicating with your husband. (Hint: It involves lots of grunting).

 

¹Thanks to Kate Rose for reminding me of this one.