Crime and Punishment

You can almost see how the idea was first hatched: a military briefing room, covered in maps and blinking lights, the colonels and majors hunkered over a table chomping cigars. “It’s come to the final hour, men. What can we do? How can we assert control over this situation?”

“I know what to do,” says a gravelly voice from the dark corner. The soldiers gasp. No one knew he was sitting there, and even now only the ember from his cigarette gives any hint of form.

“Well Captain?” says the Colonel.

The commando steps into the light, revealing his sinewy, scarred face and eye patch. His one eye glares out with resolute determination, and he speaks slowly and deliberately. “I know what will strike fear into their hearts and force compliance… make them sit on the steps for 3 minutes!”

The time-out was born. Over time it evolved from military torture method into suburban disciplinary technique. In our house, the time out is surrounded by a whole system gleaned from the TV show The Nanny, where all great parenting is learned. Here’s how it goes: after serving his time on the steps, the child must say what he’s done, apologize, say he won’t do it again, and give hugs and kisses. It works wonders when televised.

Here’s the problem – it doesn’t seem to be working in real life. Our recidivism rate is appalling. The children attend their parole hearing, swear they are reformed, and then go straight back to their criminal ways. Longer and more draconian sentences don’t seem to be working. NOTHING SEEMS TO BE WORKING! THE KIDS JUST KEEP ACTING LIKE JUVENILES!

Another thing I’ve found is that the steps have, shall we say, porous containment ability. Jail breaks are frequent. If you are in our neighborhood, do not pick up hitchhikers. They could be time-out escapees. The stress level on the prison guards, which was high to begin with, shoots through the roof when the children abscond.

Finally, there are the two DA’s, who are constantly overworked and underappreciated. They relentlessly accuse one another of being “soft on crime” and of prejudices in the system, especially in regards to their partiality towards certain family members. (As a side note, this is certainly true in the case of Andrea’s dealings with Cody, who is a hellion and deserves everything he has coming. Chiara, on the other hand, is a dear, sweet angel who doesn’t really warrant hard discipline but instead needs tender and nurturing guidance).

Basically, the whole household justice system is broken and is desperately in need of reform. Sometimes I think we should do as England did in the 18^th century and ship our criminal class (children) to Australia. At least then we could explain their behavior due to upbringing by kangaroos.