The Pre-history of Sleep

Each night in our household goes through a series of phases, each of these are an assault on sleep. It seems that the law of natural selection has favored those qualities in our children that are most adept at keeping me from my slumber. Here’s a walk through the pre-history of sleep:

At the dawn of the sleep era is the Early Gotobedium period (c. 7:30-9:00pm). Dinners and tubbies are done and the house is cleaned up. Now the fight over sleep can begin in earnest. The defensive tactics that evolve during this time period can be summed up by the phrase “delay, delay, delay.” This can be done several ways: claim hunger (a good mechanism for this is to refuse to eat dinner); refuse to get on pajamas; refuse to pick out books; and - when all else fails – the battle cry of sleep avoidance: laywithmelaywithmestaywithmestaywithmeIdontwannagotobed!!!

Next comes the Middle Gotobedium period, sometimes called the Gotofrickenbedium period (c. 9pm-10pm). Here, the parents are just trying to get some work done, for goodness sake – there is always work – so that they can watch a little TV and relax. But regular interruptions can be expected. A great defense against sleep at this point is to be scared of the dark. When the lights are left on, you have to get creative, but since you’re not sleepy at all, monsters can be imagined anywhere you put your mind to it. Bonus points in this phase if you re-waken your sister and get her involved, double bonus if one parent is out of town and has to put both kids back to sleep.

Finally, finally, the kids are asleep and we begin the Late Gotobedium period (c. 10pm-12am). Here the wounds on sleep are mostly self-inflicted by the parents. Work gets wrapped up or postponed until morning (when it can then be postponed until evening), and it’s time to go to bed. But wait, I’m not a robot! I’m not a nun! I can’t just work and take care of kids all day and not have a little me time. So even though we really shouldn’t, we cut into our sleep and watch some TV. A snack and maybe a drink help to do even more damage to our mental and physical health, but we deserve them.

At some point we enter the Early Whattheheckium period (c. 12am-3am). Parents are in early, light slumber or even still awake trying to fall asleep but wound up from the work and TV show. This is the perfect time for Chiara to interrupt and totally derail the falling-asleep process. The need for potty usually works great here. Sometimes, you can even refuse to go back to your bed and wiggle your way in between mom and dad for a time.

Late Whattheheckium (also known by far worse names, c. 3am-5am). Here you are in deep, deep sleep. Long, uninterrupted periods are absolutely necessary to wake feeling rested. Thus, this is the perfect time for physical brutality. This is Cody’s period, and snuggles up before you are aware of his presence, which allows him to start kicking you in the ribs and knocking his head against your jaw. Getting dowsed with ice water would honestly be more regenerative than cuddling with Cody.

The Ohgodsoearlium period (c. 5am-7am). No matter how late they stayed up or how late you think you will get to sleep, the kids will be in before this time (the exception is when you have to be somewhere early; they’ll decide it’s the perfect day to sleep until 9am). This period is characterized by the rise of the children to dominance and the complete extinction of sleep. The kids usually overtake the bed, forcing parents to seek refuge on places like the settee, for a few more minutes of desperately needed, if crooked-necked, sleep.

Which brings us to The Waking Era (c. 7am-present). Aided by stimulants such as hot showers and caffeine, the parents can usually bring themselves to a functional, if zombie-like, existence. Down in the kitchen, they sit in silence contemplating the brutality of facing the day to come. Meanwhile, the children, who seemed to get no more sleep than the adults, race up and down the upstairs hallway, knocking into things and screaming like frenzied howler monkeys.

I went into this parenting gig with eyes open, knowing it would be tough at times. I knew there would be sleep interruptions while the children were infants and needed feeding. But never did I imagine that, almost 6 years into it, I would still be sleep deprived. Perhaps I was naïve and did not know Darwin’s Law of Sleep Selection: species rise and fall, tectonic plates shift, but one thing never changes – children hate, hate sleep.