Parenting Advice From KiddleAunt

KiddleAunt explains a few things to KiddleDad

This week's blog post is from KiddleDad's younger sister. She doesn't have kids, but she does have plenty of parenting advice to share:

It’s not uncommon that my older brother needs some guidance, and I thought after years and years of potentially ruining his children, it’s high time I step in to teach him how it’s done. Do I have children? No. Why would that matter? I have a dog, I have a younger sister that I have basically been telling what to do her entire life, and I have only been fired from a couple jobs. Clearly I’m responsible and could show KiddleDad a thing or two about how to raise his children properly.

 

Gastronomic Curiosity

1.       During my visit, the children have asked (and been given) snacks almost every day. Worse even, they weren’t shamed at all for requesting cookies, crackers, and yogurt drinks for these snacks. If you don’t make your children feel guilty about wanting to eat these things, how will they ever learn that they need to spend their later years obsessing over calories and the size of their waists? I am truly worried that my niece and nephew might grow up thinking something ridiculous like beauty comes from the inside.

2.       When it comes to mealtime, Cody’s palate is unrefined. It’s clearly a parent’s role to help his son understand the complexities of flavors, and as far as I can tell there has been no effort here. Chiara on the other hand favors foods like candy, chips, and the like. When we’ve talked about Brussels sprouts, sushi, and fois gras, she referred to them as “yucky,” and she has requested Chipotle for roughly 75% of our meals. There are many approaches to broadening children’s culinary horizons: a treat after each broccoli spear and rubbing their head while saying, “Who’s my good boy? Who’s my good boy?” have always worked well for me.

 

Culture and Worldly Interests

1.       My brother and my lovely sister-in-law are doing a decent job with keeping Chiara well-cultured since they have recently incorporated “Les Misérables” to her bedtime story repertoire. 6-year olds need to spend more time “Examining the nature of law and grace, the history of France, politics, moral philosophy, antimonarchism, justice, religion, and the types and nature of romantic and familial love.” However, I question their dedication. After two weeks, they’re 10 pages in, and my niece reports that “nothing has happened.” Sigh.

2.       Cody on the other hand has been fully neglected in this regard. Looking through his bookshelf you won’t find a single Dickens, Tolstoy, or Dostoyevsky. How they can sleep at night knowing Cody has been in the world for over four years without some proper literary exposure, I have no idea.

3.       Cody also lacks appropriate guidance in world-religions. When I mentioned Shintoism this morning, he looked at me blankly. Not once has any member of the family spent more than 10 minutes in meditation or quiet reflection. I’m considering calling Child Protective Services.

 

Personal Development and Self-Control

1.       During a fieldtrip with the Sweet Kiddles preschool, I was informed by several of the kids that no one was going to win at the bowling alley. This is incomprehensible! Chiara is now 6, and Cody either 4 or 5 depending on who you’re talking to (he says 5, his birth certificate and every other person on Earth says 4 – jury’s still out, I guess). The time has long past since they needed to learn that there are winners and losers in this world. Not everyone gets a blue ribbon, and the sooner we expose our children to that harsh reality, the better.

2.       Having raised a dog since it was a puppy, I think it goes without saying that I could have a child well-disciplined child unquestioningly following my every command within just a few short weeks. My brother and sister-in-law started off without this robust training skill-set when they had children, so I can hardly blame them for any short-comings here. They have gotten wise to the most important elements of behavior modification, but I have a couple recommendations that could help. First, set aside 3-4 hours each day to perfect a whistling routine with the each of the kids. Soon, Chiara will know that three short bursts means it’s time to sit down quietly and await food, Cody will know one long blast means it’s time to put on shoes, grab his backpack, and get in the car. It would be much easier than wrangling the kids every time you want to eat or leave the house. Second, it’s always handy to carry around a baggie of bacon or other treats is useful for when the kiddos get rowdy in public. You’ll have them sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, salivating in no time – eagerly anticipating their reward.

Poor KiddleDad and Andrea need a lot of help, but I think too much guidance at once could get overwhelming. Hopefully my visit will have shed a little light on how parenting should really be done, but I worry these two slackers have already done irreparable damage. If they don’t take action to right the ship soon, I’m afraid Chiara and Cody may be doomed to a life of guilt-free happiness and lack flawless self-control. I only want the best for the children, and it might be better for the kids to be raised by someone like me who is already an expert. Clearly I would know; I do have a dog.

You can follow KiddleAunt on Twitter at @Kalyn_Kimmel or visit her blog: debaclesindating.com