Andrea’s choice for this New Year is called the “slim and
sassy” diet. Those of you who know me already know I’m regarded as “slim and
sassy” all too often. So, I don’t need the diet, but I’m doing a modified
version on my own. My diet’s easier. And almost as effective.
Here’s some dieting tips from me to you. These are proven to
be… dieting tips. They’re easy and some are effective. Either way, it doesn’t
matter, you’ll yo-yo back to your old weight so you might as well follow my
advice and do the easiest diet ever:
Do the first
weigh-in at your heaviest: Go out for a blow-out dinner, order the porterhouse
for two, drink enough beer to kill a horse. Don’t pee yet. Now it’s the perfect
time for your first weigh in! Try to set a record. Maybe even wear your clothes
on the scale. You’ll thank me on your next step.
First weigh-in
should be at your lightest: Don’t weigh in the morning after that
porterhouse meal! Diets take time, for goodness sake. Put in a good, painful
day of eating nothing but celery and water. Then weigh in the next morning. BAM!
you’ll have lost like 2-3 pounds. Diet’s done - tell all your friends and
family what a great success it was.
In case you wanted to lose more than 2-3 pounds, this will
give you that much-needed shot of motivation to get through the next 2
agonizing days.
Have one blow out
meal per week: This will provide the same motivation cycle as the first
week. Those porterhouse pounds from Saturday will just melt away by Monday.
Count calories:
But let’s not go overboard here. That cookie doesn’t really count, does it?
You wouldn’t normally eat it on this diet, after all. It’s just this once.
Here’s another calorie hint- if you eat it in several small
servings, it doesn’t count. So break a corner off the cookie. Wait a while,
then eat the rest. Didn’t count. See? Dieting is easy. Relatedly, if you eat
something off someone else’s plate it doesn’t count either. So try to marry
someone who likes fries with their burger.
Record your
weigh-ins: Again, let’s not go crazy. Are you up a pound or two? Don’t
write it down. Remember, we need to maintain our willpower and motivation.
You’ll get that pound off after tonight’s Porterhouse.
Salt and exercise
have something to do with it: This is, like, a fact. Experts have
studied this somewhere. Salt and exercise influence weight loss. We’re just not
sure how. One day you splurge and eat a bag of Doritos, and you lose a pound.
Another day you run a half marathon, eat a cucumber and gain a half pound. How
does this happen? Damned if I know, but seems like salt must have something to
do with it.
Booze has nothing
to do with it: At least not in my book. So drink up! I have nothing to
back this up, but it’s as scientific as your silly cabbage soup diet. So leave
me alone.
Listen, the long-term trend of life is towards heavier,
fatter selves. Humans average like a pound of weight gain a year. I think I
know why – constantly surrounded by chicken nuggets and Twizzlers by day and in
desperate need of Bourbon and Ice Cream at night, there’s no question we pack
on the pounds during the years of having young children.
You can’t stop fate. So do what I do – give up! You can shovel the sand off the beach for a
summer, but the tectonic plate of life is slowly pushing you into the sea. So
have a Porterhouse or two and enjoy the slide.
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