Sundays in the Vestibule

We go to the best Catholic church in the world. Why is it the best? No kneelers. Kneelers are apparently God’s way of testing your devotion by inflicting stabbing pain on your lower back while cantors chant lengthy lists of saints. At Saint John’s we don’t have them. We stand and we sit. We don’t kneel. It’s the greatest. Also, the homilies are short, especially when Father Dennis delivers them. This church is why we are never moving again.

Basically, my measure of the quality of a Catholic church is how little pain it inflicts on me. Judging by the number of families skipping the closing hymn and blessing after communion, I am not alone in this view. But not even Saint John can save us from the biggest church pain point of all: Cody.

I don’t know why, but Catholic tradition is to keep children of all ages with you in the pew. As a non-Catholic, few things strike me as such a bad idea as this. We’ve attended church for five years constantly distracted by poking, whining and crying. We get nothing out of it. There could have been two Popes since John Paul II for all I know.

John Paul is still Pope, right?

The kids get nothing out of it, either, except for regular time outs. When people ask me where I go to church, I tell them “the vestibule at Saint Johns,” where I’ve spent an hour each week for the past three years trying to keep Cody from going back into the service.**

Those sitting around us get nothing out of it either. They get a constant distraction and annoyance for a full service. They let us know their feelings via glares. But we don’t care, we’re staying in the pew. There is a cry room, but we refuse to go on principle. We’re not second-class citizens who should be banished behind glass because we procreate (which, in case you’ve missed it, the church supports). The cry room is full of, guess what, crying. It’s also full of kids playing loudly with toys. What it’s not full of are people who can actually hear and participate in the service.

So no one gets anything out of this arrangement. Why does the Church insist on keeping kids in the pews? I’ve heard many Catholics say it’s so children can learn to sit still and listen. This is apparently why adult Protestants can’t stay in their seats.

Mostly, I think it’s about obligation and demonstrating your devotion through thick and thin. The Catholic Church just seems to have that ethos. But I don’t. I’m Methodist. So I think that having kids in the pew is just nuts.

I think kneelers are nuts, too, and I don’t care who knows it. You can tell John Paul the next time you see him.

 

**Footnote: Parishioners of Saint Johns will rightly point out that the church has established a nursery. Of course, this was started by Andrea, so it’s not totally in the church’s win column. Plus, it’s not open that often – like during the summer or whenever the bridge club wants the space.