A Case of the Yucks

Picture this: Andrea and I have finally – finally! - gotten away for a weekend. We’ve been planning this for months and are off to a Bed and Breakfast without any kids.

We finish a fabulous dinner. When we get back to the room, the staff has outdone themselves. The lights are dimmed; tea lights and rose petals surround the bed. A bottle of champagne waits on ice, beckoning. Andrea gasps, takes off her coat, and… dashes to the bathroom where she proceeds to throw up all night long.

It’s not the first time. Andrea’s been sick on trips dating back to our honeymoon in Banff: the list includes New York, Toronto, and Greece (in fairness the latter was morning sickness). She had back pain in London so bad we cut our trip short after she spent two days on her back on the floor. If she gets sick on our upcoming Hawaii trip, that’s it, we are done with vacations forever.

And now that we have kids, we have many more opportunities to get sick. Cody has specialized in the perfectly timed vomit – once we’re five minutes from the house and the babysitter calls, we know that once again the cufflinks are coming back off and Beef Wellington at Chez Francois will be replaced by Philly Cheesesteak from Penn Station. The amazing thing is that, despite covering (and I do mean covering) the kitchen floor, he seems fit as a fiddle for the rest of the evening. How does he do that? Is it nerves?

We have this newfangled health plan at work this year where we have about $1200 in a flexible account. Once we run through that, we’re on our own until we hit about $2500. Of course, we blew through almost half of our account by February. We go to the doctor every whip-stitch. It’s not Dad, who didn’t even go to the doctor the entire year of 2011. It’s mostly the kids and our overactive imagination when it comes to their health. Tummy aches could be indigestion… or maybe Crohn’s disease or… or maybe STOMACH CANCER! Better sit on hold with Cleveland Clinic right away!

Personally, the next time I see a doctor will be when the EMT drags me there. I just don’t feel the need to spend $50 to have someone tell me to rest and get lots of fluids. To wit, the last time Cody went to the doctor he was diagnosed with “a case of the ‘Yucks.’” His prescription? Rest and plenty of fluids.

On top of it all, for me, a Lean Six Sigma Black Belt efficiency expert, it just makes my hair hurt to br put through the most inefficient process in the world. The actual procedure to check a child for an ear infection – an experience we know intimately, I can tell you – takes about 30 seconds. But between the waiting, the waiting and the waiting, oh and the paperwork and the trip to the pharmacy (not to mention all that hold time in advance), the whole thing can take three hours.

Of course, it’s impossible to tell the real thing from a false alarm. My kids tell us almost daily that their tummy hurts. Chiara saying “my tummy hurts” is like me saying “I’m having a drink.” It’s an everyday thing. But when it’s time to go to the doctor, it’s time to go. Let’s just hope next year’s insurance plan is more comprehensive in covering the Yucks.